Don't Shatter this Illusion
by ChaosXtheMailman
Summary: Tomorrow the sun will rise.
1. Don't Shatter this Illusion

Soft footsteps made their way to my door, and I wondered for a moment how long I'd been waiting for this. The way they echoed in my head made me cringe, as delicate as the sound was, it was like shattered glass to me. One step to the next, slow and even, a familiar feeling of dread sent shivers down my back. Even the way he knocked on the door, gentle, precise- _infuriating_.

Saix knew he could just portal in. This was his way of subtly punishing me. Dragging me down the rope, testing to see when my patience would finally snap. I laid on my bed, my mind torn between ending this meeting quickly, or admiring the way that evil moon shone outside my bedroom window- hoping my lack of a response would send him far away.

But he never took no for an answer.

Another knock prompted me to finally get out of bed, before I faced his 'insincere' wrath. What a joke. The door swung open, a clipped sigh told me how pleased he was to see me. I stepped away from the door frame, rolling my eyes as he walked past me, our eyes locked, green vs an eerie golden glow. Admittedly, I was transfixed for a moment, trying to make sense of the feeling I was suddenly overwhelmed with. Mostly loneliness, but try telling him that, you'll get a speech that lasts for days. I realized we'd been standing there in silence for a few moments too long, when it clicked in my head that he'd been waiting on me to close the door. Always making me do all the work, but no, I was the one who acted like a child.

"You actually knocked this time, how nice of you."

"Don't think I don't know what you're up to, Axel. Is this a game to you?"

I nearly burst out laughing right then and there, but the last thing I needed were Saix's hands around my throat. Still, it was all too tempting to spite the bastard. My lack of self control allowed a bitter laugh to escape, and since we were alone he felt no need to keep up with appearances. His clipboard clattered on the ground, his fist balled up into my coat. It was hard not to feel amused by the situation, the man who wore Isa's face was glaring back at me, lips that would never smile the way Isa's did. Eyes that glimmered in a cold and unfamiliar way, eyes that wanted me dead.

But no, he insisted he was Isa.

Despite the way he denied having a heart, I knew right then and there that this man hated me more than anything right now. He hated me for not playing along with his game, the same way I hated him for slipping away. For never believing a word I had to say. Using me as his pawn for a plan destined to fail. And it was a game we'd continue to play, waiting to see who'd snap first. Wondering when the jig would be up, when the lies would stop, when we'd realize we'd been feeling this in our hearts all along. Knowing it was really Isa I'd grown to hate this whole time.

Knowing our hearts could never be rescued.

I stared back, and though I was certain I'd have felt differently years ago, I honestly couldn't feel anything as I looked into his eyes. Golden, like the sun, like he'd never see the same way again, hypnotized by memories long gone. Just a shell of who he once was.

"Can we just drop this act already? It's getting boring, sir."

"So you'd prefer if I lived a lie, like you're doing now? Is it such a crime to strive for sincerity, Lea? Do you not want to feel the way we once did?"

I fought away the sudden, overwhelming urge to cry. My eyes tried to focus on something, anything that wasn't his face. Sure, I felt guilty, knowing in moments like this his intentions seemed convincing enough. Sometimes I wondered if Isa really were still in there, somewhere deep inside. But I couldn't give in, as tempting as it'd be to just pretend it would all be okay.

"You'd do best to remember where your allegiance lies. I trust you've no intention on going back on the plan, now that we've come so far," his eyes flickered, looking me up and down as he released his grip on my collar. For a moment, his expression almost seemed gentle, and it was then that I suddenly realized why he'd made this visit tonight.

I wanted to say something, anything really. I wanted to beg Isa to come back, but that in itself was a far gone dream. Maybe I was living a lie, but how dare Saix assume he had it all together too.

It hurt, more than anything, the moments like these when he was willing to pretend. I couldn't help but feel like I was being used, when he knew I couldn't say no, and it was clear he was just desperate to get me to cooperate. It was obvious when he moved in, fluttering his eyes closed as he pressed his lips against mine, a convincing illusion when those yellow eyes were hidden.

I didn't want to let go of him, it was true, we'd come so far together. Now wasn't the time to start getting emotional though, not in his presence, not when I'd pleased him enough with my abrasiveness. Enough to make him believe I was just like him. My breath hitched as his hands made his way up my chest, my gaze bolted to the window as his lips found their way to my neck. Suddenly the moon became the most interesting thing in the world, my eyes searching for something, anything, getting lost in it's glow. I tried to find the same glimpse of hope he saw, bright yellow, it was just like his gaze, cold and empty.

He kept at it, obviously frustrated that I wouldn't give him any sort of reaction. That's what he expected right? Giving me what he thought I wanted, his insincere affection, so I'd sail this ship with him, right down to the bottom of the sea. His hands faltered as they fell over the zipper on my coat, his eyes piercing into my collar bone as he stood frozen in place. My hand fell on top of his, urging him to either continue or speak up, his face had a thousand unsaid words just begging to surface. Maybe it'd be time to get a glance at what he'd been hiding. His gaze never met mine, and I could tell it was simply out of shame, we'd been through this long enough to know how wrong it was.

"Something up? You sure seemed enthusiastic before."

There it was, that spark of fury in his eyes, glaring at me with thinly veiled hatred. Had he figured out what a joke this had become to me. It was hilarious to think we once got joy out of this, to think I thought he could still be the man I loved. I stood in place, watching him with amusement as he pulled away in disgust. Was it me? Or disgust in himself? It was sad to watch, in the way you'd watch someone at the receiving end of some cruel joke finally discover the punchline.

He picked up his clipboard, shooting me a glare as he tried to form some threatening quip before he left. His mind seemed unable to process what just happened, so instead he stormed out of the room, the door clicking shut ever so softly, his footsteps clacking down the hallway.

I almost felt guilty. Pieces of scattered memories drifted through my mind, painting the empty space in my heart the way the sun would set. Colors burning off, dripping away like old friends, old memories, bleeding into the night. This isn't how I wanted it to be, this isn't how it should be. Maybe it's selfish to feel this way.

Maybe it's selfish to _feel_.

I've my own agenda now, to hold the sun for the ones who believe in all the things I used to believe in. Yeah, I'll light the way. Tomorrow the sun will rise.

I wish Isa could be there to see it.


	2. Neverender

'_I'm not supposed to feel this way'_, I think to myself. His shadow hurries down the hall, paperwork in hand, though it's just for appearances and everyone knows it. Is this the joke they've all been laughing about behind my back? His soulless eyes dart around the hallway, I feel them burning on the back of my neck as I enter my room. It's far too late to be turning in mission reports, even I know that.

I feel like I should be laughing, right along with everyone else. That's what a Nobody would do, right? Laugh at the pathetic, hollow joke of an existence we're forced to live. The hushed murmurs of the other members in his presence, oh the way the sound crawls up my skin. It's not like it's a secret. The way the Superior favors him, twists him around his finger- _Twists him around in bed._

I shudder, trying desperately to quell whatever unpleasant emotion I've tricked myself into. I no longer hear his footsteps, but the feeling lingers. The way I'd felt when Isa went to play with the other kids at school, the same ones that hated me and pushed me around. When his parents would take him for ice cream after his ball game, and leave me behind because I was just a troublemaker. When he'd get mad at me and ignore me 'til I caved in and apologized, even if it wasn't my fault.

It doesn't feel the same though, this time I don't want him to come back so why bother goin' through the trouble. In fact he can stay far away; I'm quite content stumbling through this twisted emotional game _on my own_. I never used to be jealous. I used to believe Saix had my best intentions at heart.

I laugh. A bitter, awful laugh.

It's different now. I feel used. I feel like a joke. I _feel_. Even if I don't think it's real, it's convincing enough to piss Saix off. And that's all that matters when he shows up at my door a few hours later, paperwork still on his clipboard, and his coat zipped up higher than usual.

"May I help you, sir? I think it's a little late to be runnin' around, dontcha think?"

He doesn't even bother rolling his eyes.

"What are you doing sneaking around after hours? It looks suspicious."

I shift on my bed, choosing to fold my arms behind my head to get a better look at his face. Eh, bad decision. I focus on the chains on my coat instead; they've suddenly become extraordinarily fascinating.

"Eh, just goofin' off with Demyx. Figured it wouldn't be classy pullin' the whole walk of shame routine in the mornin', y'know what I mean? Of course you know what I mean."

He just glares at me, it's really amusing how obviously frustrated he is- but it's not like he'd _snap_ at me. That wouldn't be very Nobodylike of him.

"I don't appreciate this whole 'jealousy' routine, Axel. We've been over this before, do you think this is what I want-"

"-Oh, of course not. I most certainly appreciate you takin' one for the team, sir. Why it'd just be _heartless_ of me if I weren't filled with utmost gratitude," I think I'm gonna be sick.

"You're right. Heartless." he stalks towards me, slamming his clipboard on the nightstand. I immediately sit up, locking eyes with him as he lunges for my collar. He grips firmly, enough to try and evoke some 'terror' without hurting me. My eyes glaze over- this routine gets dull really fast.

"You're willing to toss everything away for the _lies_ the keyblades deceive you with? Is that how it is, Axel? _Answer me_." He tightens his grip, pulling me closer. He reeks of the Superior.

"You have no heart. You have no feelings. You're just being selfish, and I'll have none of it."

"You really think this is salvageable anymore?" I seethe. The look he gives me would have broken my heart if I believed it to be genuine. Oh, and, y'know, if I _had_ a heart.

"I barely even feel like looking at you now, I can't imagine what I'd do if I had the ability to hate you too."

"_You don't mean that._" The desperation in his voice throws me for a loop. I look back, stunned as he removes his grip from my coat, staggering back from his own shock.

I decide I don't care enough to take back my statement. I think Lea would feel the same way after all this bullshit.

"Get the hell out of my room, and fuckin' stay out. Why dontcha go wash that bastard's filth off you, before you tell _me_ about living a lie," I stand up and give him a shove towards the door. He shoves me right back, malice quickly replaces the fear in his eyes.

"I'm willing to deal with your bullshit, Axel. But don't think for a second that I'll tolerate you turning your back on me, not after all I've done for you," I feel like he might actually be hurt, he's definitely putting on more of a show than usual. I feel flattered, but choose to say nothing. My head jerks towards the table as he swipes his clipboard from the stand, and then proceeds to open a dark portal _without even saying goodbye._

"Good night, sweetie. Thanks for the visit. Stay safe. Use protection. Say hi to Xemnas for me! Lookin' forward to the next meeting!" I swing a fist in the air, feigning enthusiasm the best I can. Oh darn, maybe I really did piss him off, he doesn't even bother to look at me before the portal fades. Ah well.

I drag my feet back towards the bed, flopping on the mattress face down. It's only a matter of moments before the waterworks start. It feels so wrong. I feel so hurt.

But it's not real. I know I'm not supposed to feel this way.


	3. New Dawn

"My name's Isa."

I stared up at him, mouth agape. He stood over me with his hand outstretched. In that moment, he offered me so much more than anyone ever had- with just a smile on his lips. What was I supposed to do but take his hand? I let him pull me up and out of whatever daze I'd been in.

"Isa." I must have looked like a moron to him, repeating back what he said in a confused tone. Why was I confused?

"Those guys won't give you trouble anymore. Trust me," he smirked again, confidence radiating off his smile. His arm outstretched, patting me awkwardly on the shoulder, despite his self assured demeanor. I could tell just from the gesture that he wasn't much for physical displays of affection. In fact, he didn't seem like the kind of guy to raise a fist either. Maybe that's why I was so lost.

"You shouldn't get wrapped up in someone elses' fights!" I was trying to be angry, but honestly I was grateful he'd stepped in. But why...?

"Sure," he laughed, something about me really amused him I guess. I didn't get it. "I'll just look the other way next time, how about that?"

"I didn't mean it like that!" I suddenly had his attention, and just by the look on his face I knew he'd already made up his mind about me. And unfortunately for my pride, I knew he was the type that was always right.

"My name's Lea. You didn't have to save me back there. But thanks."

"I know," he smiled again, then turned his back to me. "Lea is it? I'll remember that."

He stood there for a long moment, his eyes flicking back to me briefly before he walked away. I don't know what went through his mind right then, but I was fairly certain I'd just made my first real friend.

And from then on, I wanted everyone I met to feel the same way I felt- when I first met you, Isa.

It's like my path was carved out for me. From there we blew up like a super nova, collapsing in on our grand ideas. Falling victim to the flame that had drawn us so close once upon a time. Our ashes scattering between nothingness, dusting across the path I walked now. The path back home to Radiant Garden.

I didn't know how to react. I thought I'd never come home ever again. It hit me, so hard, just how empty 'home' felt without him here.

Why was it that I couldn't make my keyblade appear until I saw him again. I thought I was done with him, I was so convinced I'd be happy to never see his face again. How ironic for a Nobody to have such thoughts.

Maybe I can find something to distract myself, from the constant aching in my chest, before I lose it and douse all these thoughts in flames. I slump over my knees, letting out a defeated sigh. No, that just wouldn't do. Some alien feeling began to consume my mind- was it worry, or helplessness, or perhaps just guilt? All these years, and the only thing my empty shell could muster to feel was pain, resentment, insecurity. My desperately subtle fight to hold onto anything and everything around me, it had all washed away the day I 'died'.

I certainly didn't feel like a ghost, but I wonder if that's how Isa had felt during our time in the Organization.

My hand met the cold, wet glass, clearing away the fog to form a window in the window. Drip, drop, drip. When did it start raining anyway? Or rather, when would it stop?

That all seemed so long ago. I never realized this was what would become of us, but it seemed in all these years we'd forgotten everything we'd really known about each other. You never once thought about my feelings, because to you they were nonexistent. But never once did I realize how much you were suffering, as it happened right before my eyes. I walked away, because I was hurt, I just wanted to move on. Forget I ever knew you. You said you'd never forget me, but-

I was the one who forgot you, Isa.

_I wanted everyone to remember me, but I couldn't even remember my best friend._

"Isa," I couldn't hold back tears any longer. Not after what they'd done to him. Not after what I'd done to him. Why did I expect him to save me again? Save me from these feelings of loneliness, that even the clocktower couldn't fully distract me from. Deep down inside I'd never believed I'd ever feel this way again, to feel this way about you. The way I did when we were kids, where the scariest thing was your rough, cold exterior, stopping me from seeing what was really inside.

Isa.

I know now, though you kept it hidden for so long, where I stand. If I was only such a small part of your memory, then why am I the entirety of your heart?

I'm coming for you. It's gonna be alright.


End file.
